And when

And when I’m depressed you reflect the last things I’ve said. And when I’m down you’re up, so I want to keep you there by avoiding communications touch.

When I see you I try to consider your experiences. I try to consider your pain. However in vain, my attempts may be, I feel a need to continue this search committees plea. The search committee of all my thoughts and me. I play the songs on repeat trying to listen to escape this feeling of defeat.

This feeling of depletion, like somehow I’ve gone from playful and ambitious to fatalistic in a week. But this week is as old as the Gap theory or maybe the Day-Age theory. What’s a day to the Lord if not a thousand years?

Have I ruined your life? Have I ruined mine and I see your association with me as an expression of the material fatalistic quest? Will this ache ever be put to rest?

Each day lengthened to teeter-totter, flip-flopper, hop-scotcher hours. Yet, there’s no smile. I notice a menu of Happy-Meal interactions and car horns. Lost in my thoughts the space between the car in front of me comes into focus.

How long have I been sitting here? I get conscious enough to go through the drive-through.

“Man, I don’t even like fast food.” I look at the burger and fries thinking, “maybe one more day . . . I could make it one more day.”

And when I think of those times it brings clarity to my minds. This thought with that thought connecting to this thought about the future. Can’t I just make this stop?

Overthinking.

I must stop overthinking.

And when I write my thoughts down it helps me get back up. And when I read what I’ve thought it helps me get back into communication knowing that being alone isn’t enough.

And when I hear the words on these sheets it helps me see that your life has not be ruined by my over thinking for a week.

This ache has been given away and when it comes back up I’ll keep writing it down to hear it’s follies which help bring a smile back to my overthinking face.

Life is good.

And when I consider it’s fruits, the overthinking follies become better understood.

Doom and gloom seem to be present, so I’ll look to the future while knowing that it is right now that I ought to praise. For if I wait forever I’ll never make it past today since it’s the present that makes my heart weigh. 

And when

and when

these things come up I will keep starting again. 

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