There’s so much to do. So much. I haven’t a clue,

how to hold the door open for the person behind me. I didn’t ask for them to find me. I didn’t ask for them. They ought to know better than to follow my heed. All I have in my heart is greed. Here I am; male, twenty-two and still struggling to be cool. I don’t know how to act when the pressure is on. I get sidetracked and pretend to be withdrawn. I don’t know how to dress. I’m really a mess.

You see I haven’t been training since it’s been raining. This isn’t my fight. I’m not the creative type. I didn’t go to art school. I don’t recognize these colors. I don’t have time to bless others. I’m preoccupied, don’t you see? Please don’t be cruel. Please let me be. I don’t know how to respect others. No one taught me such wonders.  Doesn’t god help those who help themselves? And when I help myself there’s nothing left to bet; this is all I get. I made my claim at the start of this game. Can’t you see the rules are set in motion; no time to change direction. I’m as lost as you are in this ocean.

I worked hard for this paycheck. I had everything I needed, smothered with comfort and then depleted.  Tell me, who are these others? I know my mother, father, sister, and brother, but never have I heard of these so needy others. I’m very busy can’t you see? I work diligently like a bumblebee, never stopping to take a knee.

I’d plead with you except I’d never let you see me bleed. It’s not that I’m prideful, it’s just that I’m doing things. I’m involved in so much. I trust you’ll understand my response when I blush. Perhaps when I’m done I can come by and say hey. But I’m tired of you now. I need to rest. You can find me on the sofa catching my breath.

As I attempt to enter into slumber, I reflect on the day and grow somber.

Dear God, there’s so much to do. So much. I haven’t a clue,

how to be patient when going through proverbial doors of life. I know I didn’t ask for them, but we all have strife. I have put greed before needs like deeds before seeds. I’ve forgotten that I too was planted and nourished before coming to bear fruit. My life began because of God. Before that I was dead or what I thought was just resting; not aware that the place I laid was the ocean floor.  What good is there in me? What have I done to make myself free?

You see, I’ve been lazy and not so bold since the weather became cold. I’ve backed down because of apathy: The real reason I don’t try. I know my God is not here to fill my pockets with dope, but instead to fill my body, heart, and mind with hope. I know the game can indeed be changed. God did it before and broke the captives chains. Going a different direction is not out of reach. The rules have been set in motion, but with God my motion becomes devotion.

I didn’t labor intensely for that would be hard. Most of what I wanted was in my backyard. A little patch of grass to play in, some grilling on the patio, and beers to give me some cheers. I know the others. Although I don’t treat them as I ought to, they are my kin. I know their faces–their grin. I know them well. I’ve been in their places. They are around wherever I go. And whenever I get up they ostensibly show.

I’m begging you now. Can’t you see? I need your help. I’m ready to plead for your mercy, pick up my cross, and follow you to Calvary. I feel like it’s too little too late, but the truth is clear; you balance the scale and clear the slate.

Oh God please forgive me,

I don’t know where to start.

Oh God please help me,

I need a change of heart.